


Strongly Wrongly Vainly Love You

by Monna99



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 00:09:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11885775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monna99/pseuds/Monna99
Summary: Shikamaru made a vow to his sensei to protect his most important people.





	Strongly Wrongly Vainly Love You

**Author's Note:**

> hi! Doesn't seem like there's much of a following for this pairing but this story was just bugging me so I finally wrote the first part of it and decided to toss it on here in case anyone is interested in reading it. The timeline is really more of a guideline. 
> 
> Also I do have an original character: I started writing this years ago when fandom still didn't know the name or sex of Kurenai's baby. In this story, Kurenai has a boy named Yuuta and I've decided not to change it.
> 
> The title comes from a poem by Lord Byron. (Which, incidentally, is dedicated to a male love, but still).
> 
> \- _“A man nearly always loves for other reasons that he thinks. A lover is apt to be as full of secrets from himself as is the object of his love from him.”_ Ben Hecht

Shikamaru rubbed at his pounding temples. He’d been in the office since well before dawn and the stack of scrolls in front of him had not diminished by any discernable amount. Apparently, promotions came with exponentially more paperwork. He really wished someone had mentioned that sooner. He glanced outside, trying to determine the time by the faint sunlight streaming in from the low west window. Looked like there were still a few hours until dusk. He stood up and stretched, groaning. He’d be putting in more long hours tomorrow but for now, he had somewhere he needed to be. 

 

“We really need to stop meeting like this,” Kurenai said wryly. She raised her hand to shield her eyes from the afternoon sun. 

Shikamaru straightened from his position lounging against the nondescript clinic wall. “I was in the area.”

If Kurenai had been younger she’d have rolled her eyes. “The Hokage’s office is six miles out of the way.”

“Then you should take pity on me and visit a closer medi-nin,” Shikamaru returned, shamelessly. He nodded in passing to a shinobi who called out to him but didn't take his gaze from Kurenai. He didn't know much about pregnancy -- hell, he knew nothing about pregnancy -- but he was surprised by how comfortable and content she always appeared. She looked absolutely lovely. One of those women whom pregnancy favored, it seemed. He'd always thought that was a myth.

Kurenai huffed a laugh. “I’ll think about it. And, before you ask, the baby and I are both doing well.”

“That’s good news,” Shikamaru said mildly. 

He had never once missed the check-ups when he was in Konoha. If the newly made jounin happened to be on a mission during one of the appointments, Kurenai was sure to see Kotetsu or Izumo awkwardly milling around, and she’d wondered in amusement if Shikamaru had them write up reports. 

“I’ll walk you home,” he added, falling into step beside her. 

She nodded, long since tired of protesting and looped her arm through his, grinning when he smiled at her ruefully. Given that her walk was more of a waddle now, she wasn’t ashamed of leaning her bulk on the strong, young man.

“I could carry you,” he offered amiably. 

She sniffed disapprovingly, not bothering with a response, and he chuckled.

They walked in silence and Kurenai was glad for the company though she had gotten to know Shikamaru well enough that she sensed there was more to this particular visit.

She climbed the stairs of her building, not commenting when he didn’t turn and say goodbye at the landing. He continued alongside her until they reached the familiar red, grainy door to her apartment. “Thank you, Shikamaru-kun,” she murmured. She stepped inside but he moved forward and caught the door before she could close it and silently motioned her back, following her in.

“I know you won’t like it, but I asked Choji and Ino to keep an eye on you.” Shikamaru didn’t pause, not allowing her to voice the objection on the tip of her tongue. “I’m going on a mission.”

Kurenai frowned. It wasn’t the first mission Shikamaru had taken during her pregnancy - not something worth mentioning really. Not unless he felt there was the very real possibility that he would not be coming back.

“Come inside.” She motioned to the two lone wooden chairs on either side of her rickety dining table. “I’ll make tea.”

After a moment, he nodded and took off his sandals, setting them beside the ones she’d already removed. “Pardon the intrusion.”

She watched him stare out the small terrace, tapping softly on the roughened face of the windowsill as the water slowly heated on the stove. He was standing with his back straight, not slouching as he usually did and keeping his right arm close to his side, hand tucked in his pocket. The edge of back of his hand that peeked out was a fiery red, the skin puckered.

She moved to the back room to a small storage space where she kept her gear and pulled out a small mesh pouch where she kept salve.

Shikamaru had taken a seat at the table, two cups of tea cooling in front of him. She joined him and tossed the small poultice bag that he caught with his left hand. 

“It’ll help with the burn,” she murmured, taking a sip from her own drink. 

He nodded sheepishly but didn’t pull out his hand, which meant it wasn’t an average burn and he likely hadn’t been to see a medi-nin. She took a deep breath, reigning in her impatience. Shikamaru was not a child and it was certainly not her place to tell him what to do. 

“This mission,” he picked up his cup but set it down the next moment and ran his hand over his head in frustration. Finally, he expelled a short breath and leaned back.

“Are you in danger, Shikamaru-kun?”

His startled gaze flew to hers but after a moment he laughed, shaking his head. “No. No, it’s nothing like that.”

“I know I have no right to ask, but if you are … you would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

He leaned forward, laughter gone. “You have every right, Kurenai-san,” he said somberly. “You know I was made a jounin.”

She nodded. It was hardly news. From the moment he made chuunin, it had only been a matter of time before Shikamaru would make jounin. He was too brilliant not to be.

He smiled as though he read her thoughts. “But more than shinobi,” he continued, “Konoha right now needs tacticians. It’s a brave new world and we need to secure alliances. It’s the right time for peace.”

“And the reason you’re an indispensable shinobi is that you’re an even more indispensable strategist,” Kurenai broke in, guessing where this was going. Years. The position of ambassador required years of continuous service outside of Konoha. It was not for her to object, she reminded herself. She and Shikamaru had become something akin to family and she would miss him, yes. It would be lonely for a time but she had her child and Konoha and he had a higher calling. “Where will you be assigned?”

His gaze bore into hers, not wavering, weighing and she met it unflinching. “I’ve turned down that assignment.” He raised his hand, forestalling her objections. “There’s another position here that I could take, no less important.”

“You’re the best-suited shinobi for the job of ambassador.”

Shikamaru shook his head, grinning. “I’m really not - and the Hokage agreed. The best person for the job is Hinata and she’s accepted.”

The kunoichi kept silent, waiting.

“Naruto is about to be named 6th Hokage and he’ll need a delegation to travel with him when he makes the rounds to our allies’ villages. I’ve been assigned to assist him. I’ll be gone for a few months - four at most.”

“Shikamaru-kun, if you turned down the job of ambassador for-”

“For myself, Kurenai-san,” he said firmly. “Hinata has led a sheltered life. She wants to know more of the world and help broker the peace between our village and others. For my part, I want to be here.”

She glanced out at the streaming sunshine, the hot brightness tempered by the fresh breeze ruffling the leaves. “What did you agree to?”

He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “Well, you’ve said before that it was only a matter of time before I became a jounin.” He grinned self-mockingly and lifted the hand he’d kept out of view. It was burned, but not as bad as she had feared. That’s not what caught her attention. There was a distinct pattern of black ink that had not yet completely faded.

She sucked in a breath. “That can’t … already?”

He shrugged, slipping his hand back in his pocket.

“Are you training for ANBU?”

“I’m not allowed to disclose my training.”

She nodded sharply. ANBU it was, then. If it were for ANBU that he’d agreed to train then Tsunade would be only too happy to let him resign the post of diplomat. No doubt she’d been amused to think about him working from the shadows given his clan’s ability. 

“There’s something else. Before I go,” Shikamaru took a breath. “I’d like to propose something to you.”

 

Kurenai stared at the house. 

“No.”

He sighed. “Kurenai-san, it’s empty. It’s free for your use.”

“Do you really not see how this could be a problem?”

“Not if it benefits you.”

Shikamaru moved up the short steps and opened the front door. It was a very tidy little home. Well-kept on the outside and the moment she stepped over the threshold she could see that there were clean and comfortable furnishings inside. It appeared newly painted. 

“Shikamaru-kun,” she frowned. “Is this something you consulted with your clan?”

He shrugged. “I spoke to my father, there’s no need for me to consult anyone else.”

“And he agreed to this?”

“Of course.”

“In exchange for what?”

He tried not to wince. Kurenai was sharp. “Nothing major. A few favors here and there.”

“Favors,” she repeated flatly. She trailed her fingers over a white wooden rocking chair that had been draped with a peridot-colored throw.

The house belonged to the clan and as the future head of the Nara clan, Shikamaru could well direct what was to be done with it. He grinned. “He’s my father, Kurenai-san. He’s not going to demand a pound of flesh.”

“What favors?”

“Nothing I wouldn’t have to do eventually anyway. Mostly things to do with my responsibilities to the clan.” 

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m grateful to you for thinking of us but I can’t accept.”

He stepped close, grasping her shoulders gently and she looked at him in surprise. “You’re not taking any missions at the moment, right?”

She glanced away. “I’ll start again soon enough.”

“But if there are no missions, there’s no money.”

“I appreciate your concern, Shikamaru-kun,” she said, smiling at him. “But we’re fine. Asuma did provide for us.”

“I know he did, but those funds are limited and this would help.”

He could see her getting ready to refuse again so he turned her around to face the east room which had already been converted to a child’s bedroom. “Just think of this as something I want to do for Asuma-sensei’s child. Please. Don’t refuse, Kurenai-san.”  


After several long moments her shoulders slumped and he released her triumphantly. “It’s not fair of you to keep using my child against me.”

“I promise that’s not what I’m trying to do. I only … want what’s best for you both.”

She turned and smiled at him resignedly. “I know. This is a beautiful home.”

“Then you agree to live here?”

“You’re sure your clan won’t mind my living in one of their houses?”

“I promise you, no one will object.”

She heard his non-answer and huffed. “You’re going to be a terror to your clan, aren’t you?”

He grinned. “According to my parents, I already am.”

 

It was almost exactly three weeks later – the day after he was scheduled to be born – that Kurenai’s water broke.

It felt as though she entered a fugue state and barely remembered Ino and Kiba leading her to the med clinic at the heart of Konoha.

“You’re doing great, Kurenai.”

The jounin glanced at the door, surprised to see Tsunade. “Hokage-sama,” she murmured and automatically tried to rise. A hand at her shoulder stopped her and Kurenai twitched at the speed with which the Hokage had moved. 

“Didn’t mean to surprise you.” Tsunade smiled at her. “I just wanted to check on you to be sure both of you are doing okay.”

“Thank you, Hokage-sama.” The amusement in the kunoichi’s eyes gave her pause and then she groaned in dismay. “Not you too. What was Shikamaru-kun thinking? You’re the Hokage!” 

Tsunade laughed. “I would have come by even if he hadn’t said anything. Of course I wouldn’t miss the birth of your child. Besides, I’m the one who sent him on that mission.”

Kurenai shook her head immediately. “We’re shinobi, we all know our duty.”

Tsunade placed a hand on her belly and the jounin could feel her pain easing as a small amount of chakra seeped into her. The Godaime looked startled for a moment and then grinned. “That’s a lively baby you have there, Kurenai.” She stood there for a moment longer, her hand gentle. “Take care of him.”

Kurenai nodded, placing her hand atop the Godaime’s. “Of course.”

 

Shikamaru arrived back in Konoha three and a half months later. He barely glanced back at his detail to dismiss them before he’d taken off at top speed over the low sun-bleached rooftops.

“Say hi to Kurenai-sensei and the baby for me,” Naruto yelled.

Technically, Shikamaru should have accompanied Naruto to the tower and debriefed the Godaime there along with the Seventh Hokage but he knew Naruto would cover for him. And Tsunade would understand. He felt like he’d been vibrating out of his skin since he’d received Kurenai’s letter. She’d written to him letting him know that she’d given birth to a healthy baby boy and named him Yuuta, per Asuma’s wishes. 

He didn’t know why this felt so urgent. Why he felt like he’d failed Kurenai and the child by not being there, but he wouldn’t stay away any longer than he absolutely had to. 

“Shikamaru! You’re back.”

Shikamaru barely glanced down to where Kiba was standing surprised on the street below. He nodded and only gave a small wave. 

“Say hi to Kurenai-sensei!” the Inuzuka called.

Shikamaru grinned. Well, it was hardly a surprise that everyone knew where he was going.

At last, he could make out the high walls of the outer Nara compound. He didn’t bother announcing his presence. The Nara clan would know soon enough the heir was back. 

He stopped finally at the little house he’d requested for Kurenai. There wasn’t much movement inside but he could sense two presences. One was unmistakably Kurenai and the other no more than a tiny flicker. So easily overlooked … so vulnerable that for a moment Shikamaru felt like his feet had been taken out from under him.

“Are you planning to come inside or do we need to wait a few more months?” Kurenai called from the doorway.

Shikamaru sucked air back into his lungs in a sharp gasp. “He feels just like-”

Kurenai smiled proudly, though there was still a lingering sadness in her eyes. “Come in.”

 

“He’s perfect,” Shikamaru murmured.

She nodded not speaking.

“He’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.”

Kurenai laughed. “I’m pretty sure he’s the only baby you’ve ever seen.”

“Doesn’t make it less true, though,” he said firmly. 

She held her arms out and he lowered her child into them carefully. “You’re going to make a great father someday, Shikamaru-kun.” 

“Someday still far, far away.”

“Oh?” Kurenai tucked her son into the crook of her elbow. “There has to be some brilliant, pretty, young kunoichi who’s caught your interest. A certain blonde, maybe.” 

Kurenai glanced up to see Shikamaru flush. 

He grinned, looking sheepish. “Why does everyone think that?” He sat back, sighing. “Anyway, she’s from Sand and I can’t ever see myself leaving Konoha.” Shikamaru shrugged. “And here all I wanted was a simple life.”

“Must be tough,” she teased.

He reached forward and ran his thumb over the child’s impossibly soft cheek. “It’s not so bad. I’m starting to think complications are what make life worth the trouble.”

 

“I’m doing this wrong.”

Kurenai grinned at the sight of the highly-skilled ANBU defeated by baby formula. “You’re doing fine, you just need more practice.” She finished folding the baby blanket, watching as Shikamaru shifted a sleeping Yuuta. 

Shikamaru glanced at her, eyebrow raised at her expression. “Okay?”

She didn’t answer, just watched them together, watched as he murmured to Yuuta softly and kissed the child’s crown gently when the boy whimpered in his sleep. And for just a second, for an instant - as she caught Shikamaru looking tenderly down at Yuuta - she saw the shadow of Asuma holding their child and her breath lodged painfully in her throat. She looked away, letting her hair fall forward to hide her expression from the too-shrewd ANBU. 

It didn’t work. 

Shikamaru walked over to her. He didn’t speak, only reached out and gripped her hand tightly. She exhaled shakily. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He nodded, then stepped back and picked up the bottle again. “Guess, I’ll wait to heat this up until he’s awake.”

Kurenai placed the basket of baby clothes aside. “I can put him down for his nap now.”

“It’s fine,” Shikamaru said, shaking his head. “I’ve got him.”

Kurenai turned away, hiding a smile. “You’ll need to put him down eventually, you know.”

Shikamaru huffed in amusement. “Eventually,” he agreed.

 

“Kurenai-sensei! Shikamaru!”

Shikamaru nodded at Ino and turned to the man waiting with her. “Hey, haven’t seen you in a while.”

Kakashi grinned. He stood with Ino and Chouji outside of the small eatery that had recently opened up in the heart of the village. One more sign that people were feeling more secure after the signing of the peace accords. One more sign that the village was flourishing. “I’ve been around. Kurenai, you look well.” 

Ino rolled her eyes, her usual kunoichi uniform nowhere in sight. Shikamaru wondered about that. Ino was rarely without it, maybe the famed vacation was finally happening. “You would see each other if you bothered visiting your friends. Although I guess with a baby you don’t have time for us,” she teased. He grimaced, not saying anything. He had been pretty lax in maintaining his other relationships now that he had Yuuta to look after. “Hi Kurenai-sensei.”

“Hello, Ino. It’s good to see you, Kakashi.”

The copy-nin moved closer and let the baby grip his finger. “And you must be the famous Yuuta-kun.”

Shikamaru watched them coo and ahh over the little boy. Kurenai looked happy and beautiful and he was glad she'd agreed to join him. 

“Is Chouji here yet?”

“He’s inside.” Ino led them into the restaurant holding Yuuta.

Shikamaru pulled out a chair for Kurenai. He saw Ino raise an eyebrow at that so he pulled out a chair for her too before she could comment. “Hey Chouji. You order yet?”

His friend shook his head and smiled at Kurenai. “Kurenai-san, hello. Hi Kakashi-sensei, hi Yuuta-chan. You’re so tiny.”

“He’s a baby,” Ino said huffily.

“Just saying.”

They ordered their food and talked about absolutely nothing and laughed when Chouji tried contorting his face in impossible ways to get Yuuta to smile. 

He waved Kurenai’s money away when she attempted to pay. “I invited you, please allow me.”

She looked undecided but finally conceded with a simple, “Thank you.”

He stood and Yuuta immediately cooed at him so Shikamaru scooped him up. “Thanks for coming guys. See you later.”

“Bye!”

“Take care!”

Kakashi waved.

“That was such a lovely family,” he heard one of the servers whisper. 

He pretended he didn’t see Kurenai flinch.

 

Shikamaru closed the windows. There was frost glazing the glass, making them stick. He gave a hard yank and they swung inward with a protesting shriek. It was a beautiful day, but the cold had driven most people indoors and the streets, for the most part, stood empty. Looked like Fall was rolling in with the fog and a cold front.

“I understand Konoha will be hosting the meeting of the kages this year.”

Shikamaru nodded absently, turning to fold the futon he used when he spent the night.

“That means the Kazekage will be here.”

The jounin nodded again, if a bit more cautiously.

She grinned. “That also means a certain envoy from Sunagakure will be visiting. I’m expecting you to make yourself scarce during that time.” 

Shikamaru sighed as he stretched. “Oh? You have your eye on some Sand shinobi I don’t know about?”

Kurenai narrowed her eyes at him, though there was no anger behind it. “Don’t pretend to misunderstand.” 

He turned to her and smiled. “Alright, Kurenai-san. I promise you won’t see me at all.”

“I don’t mean that I don’t want you here, Shikamaru-kun. Shinobi life takes so much away already, I don’t want this to be something else you miss out on. ”

“I appreciate the sentiment, Kurenai-san, but there’s nothing for you to worry about.” He was silent for a moment and she could see him debating how much to reveal. Finally, he said, “I have a healthy dating life.”

“You never mentioned that before.” She sounded surprised.

Shikamaru shrugged, brushing non-existent debris off the futon. Maybe healthy was a bit of an exaggeration but his friends did set him up on blind dates way too often. 

Kurenai was studying him closely which made him twitch nervously. A piercing, demanding cry thankfully splintered the moment and Kurenai automatically moved to Yuuta’s bedroom door. 

He followed, watching as she lifted Yuuta out of his crib, hushing him. He moved behind her, chest nearly brushing her back, and Yuuta’s expression lit up when he saw Shikamaru.

“Babababababa,” the little boy squealed, delighted.

Kurenai chuckled and turned, letting Yuuta grab onto him. He growled playfully at the toddler, grinning when Yuuta laughed, delighted. He lifted him out of Kurenai’s arms. 

Kurenai smiled ruefully and mopped up the drool Yuuta was leaving on his shirt. “You definitely need a girlfriend.”

He exhaled a laugh. 

 

“Are you a cloud-watcher too?”

Green eyes focused on him. “Cloud-watcher?”

Shikamaru pointed at the large fluffy white clouds overhead.

Temari looked up again, only now seeming to see them. “I hadn’t really noticed.”

Shikamaru sat across from her, leaning back against the building’s high beam. “You were watching them.”

She shook her head. “I was watching for enemies.”

“Oh?” He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, puffing on it carelessly. “You’re within the borders of Konoha, if there are enemies we’d be the first to know.”

She smirked at him. “I’m not trying to insult your defenses. I’m just used to being on my guard.”

He nodded, understanding. 

She watched him exhale white smoke. “I didn’t know that was a habit of yours,” she said, indicating the stick.

“It’s not.” He refused to think about Kurenai and Yuuta. Three days. 

“Congratulations, by the way. I heard you made jounin.”

He inclined his head in acknowledgment. 

They were quiet under the shadows of the passing clouds. 

Temari watched him curiously. After some time she stood, dusting off her dress. “You’re different. Have you finally grown up?”

He didn’t look at her. “You tell me. How about over dinner?”

 

He heard two voices as he slipped around the house. That was unusual. And he didn’t like the undertone of anger to Kurenai’s.

He rounded the corner. There were three people. Shizune-san was standing with slumped shoulders, looking sheepish while Kurenai stood on the steps, lips pressed tightly.

Shikamaru stepped forward, releasing the shadows he’d summoned to cloak him. Kurenai flicked a glance his way in acknowledgment, unsurprised. Anko spared him an annoyed glance. Shizune jumped. 

“Shikamaru-kun. What are you doing here?”

He raised an eyebrow in amusement. “This is the Nara compound. I think that question belongs to me.”

“Right.” Anko said, staring at Kurenai. “The _Nara_ compound.”

Kurenai’s expression tightened. 

Whatever the hell was going on, Shikamaru decided, he was going to put a stop to it. “What are you doing here?” He moved up the steps to stand beside Kurenai. Whatever it was, the whole of Konoha - of the shinobi world - would know she was under his protection. 

Shizune was glancing between them, expression clearing. 

Kurenai crossed her arms. 

“We were just-”

“Leaving,” Kurenai interrupted, sharply.

“Hey, hey, Kurenai-chan, no need to treat us that way.” Anko smirked at Shikamaru. “How are you, brat?”

“I’m hardly twelve anymore, Anko-san,” he reminded her, despairing that she’d ever call him anything other than brat.

“No. No, you are not,” Anko agreed, letting her heated gaze slowly travel the length of his body. “You really are not.”

Shikamaru managed to withhold a shudder.

Shizune grabbed Anko’s arm. “I think it’s time to go. Kurenai-san, we apologize for the misunderstanding. We had no idea of the situation.”

“No-” Kurenai stepped forward, but Shikamaru stepped in front of her. 

“If anyone needs me to clarify where Kurenai stands with me, and with my clan, I would be happy to enlighten them,” he said, mildly. 

Anko cackled. “I’m sure you would, brat.” She grabbed Shizune and before anyone could say more they were gone.

Kurenai release an angry breath. “You absolutely should not have done that,” she managed between clenched teeth. 

He turned to face her, dropping into his customary slouch and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Why is that? It seemed to clear things up.”

Kurenai rubbed her temples. “I promise you, it did not.”

“Why were they here?”

Kurenai looked away. 

“If you don’t tell me, I’m bound to hear it from them the next time I see them. Only I don’t think their version would match yours.”

She turned back to the house. “Inside, please.”

He walked in behind her, closing the door. “Kurenai-san.”

She gripped the back of a kitchen chair, knuckles white. “They had no right.”

Shikamaru straightened. “What happened?”

“I can’t-”

“Tell me,” he said, fiercely. “Because if you don’t I’m going over there now to find out what the hell they said to upset you.”

Kurenai’s eyes narrowed. “This is my problem to deal with, Shikamaru-kun.”

“It is,” he agreed. “Which means it’s also my problem. Unless you’re telling me that we’re not friends. That we’re not family,” he finished softly.

She looked away. “Shizune-san and Anko ... think it’s time for me to move on,” she said, finally.

“They want you to move?” He asked, blinking in surprise.

Kurenai released a deep breath. “No.” She moved to the small kitchen picking up Yuuta’s bottle. “Move on.”

Shikamaru felt his heart trip in his chest. “As in …”

“Yes.”

He sat at the kitchen table. He had no idea what to say. He knew, in a distant sort of way, that Kurenai should eventually move on, find someone new to form a life with but- 

He couldn’t bear the thought of another man in her life. Some faceless new man waking up in this warm little house, seeing Kurenai’s early morning smile, seeing Yuuta’s eyes blink awake and hear his delighted laughter, both of them sleepy and vulnerable. He hated the thought of this unknown stranger intruding into this space that held Asuma-sensei’s most precious people. Or, worse yet, this stranger taking them away. And in the next breath, he realized it didn’t matter what the hell he thought. He would defend Kurenai’s right to happiness with his life. If her happiness lay in another man, so be it. “They’re right,” he said simply, finally.

“If anyone should understand-” she began, shocked.

“I do,” he interrupted. “But I also understand that you are alive and that denying yourself opportunities for happiness is no way to thank Asuma for his sacrifice. He loved you, Kurenai-san. And I know that means he would want you to live a full life. That doesn’t have to mean a romantic relationship, but don’t throw the idea aside out of some misplaced sense of loyalty to Asuma.” 

Kurenai slammed down the baby formula on the counter. “You think my loyalty to Asuma is misplaced?”

“I think choosing to close yourself off to the world by using Asuma’s death and Yuuta as a shield is a disgrace to his memory.” 

He didn’t move when she materialized directly in front of him, didn’t flinch when she struck him across the mouth. 

“Asuma is - will always be - my husband. I will never stop loving him.” 

Shikamaru held still. “I know.” He lifted his arms, ignoring the way she stiffened. Slowly, gently, he placed his hands on her shoulders. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t also love someone else. He wouldn’t have wanted that vow from you, Kurenai-san.”  


Her eyes filled with tears. “He’s dead, Shikamaru-kun. He’s dead and I’m still alive. How can I move on when he can’t?” she puled, aggrieved.

“Hey,” he pulled her close, engulfed her in his arms. “You have nothing to feel guilty about.” Maybe Shikamaru would believe it himself someday. “You wouldn’t want the people you love to feel guilty for surviving you. Don’t do that to Asuma. Honor him by living, not just existing.”

He tightened his hold even though she didn’t cry. He hadn’t once heard her cry.

 

“Shikamaru-kun.” She wasn’t surprised by the unannounced visits anymore. Even late-night ones. “Come in. I’ll prepare tea.”

“Don’t trouble yourself,” he murmured. There was a new strain around his eyes.

She stepped aside to let him in and the sharp, metallic odor of old blood assaulted her senses. She bit her lip when he stepped out of the inky shadows of the night. His flak jacket bore a deep, diagonal cut that went through the protective gear beneath and was stained a dark, crimson color, nearly black. The skin beneath appeared to be healing, though it was still jagged and a bloody pink. No doubt held together by whatever rudimentary medical jutsu he knew.

Shikamaru followed her gaze and smiled, though the bleakness of his eyes turned it into something dangerous. “Piece of cake.”

He wouldn’t talk about it, of course. Even as a jounin she could not know the details of ANBU missions but she understood enough that she hurt for him. 

“Please, take a seat.”

He did with a sigh of relief and dropped his pack. 

Three weeks he’d been gone. Three weeks of trying not to wonder daily if he would return. He was a superb shinobi in his own right - would no doubt surpass them all someday - but Asuma had been as well and he’d been killed. Kurenai opened a small chest in the hall closet and removed the gauze and emollient. She knew why he hadn’t visited a medinin, why even Tsunade would have respected his boundaries and not forced him to submit to her medical care when he was on edge. She understood being able to allow the touch of only those people your animal instincts trusted most. She could only hope that Shikamaru had come to her because she was one of those people.

Shikamaru did not look up as she moved back into the living area. Exhaustion was etched on his face, but the deadly knife-edge of battle still lived in the hyper-awareness he exuded. It was not wise to approach a shinobi in that state - particularly not one as powerful as Shikamaru. Her hands tightened on the supplies she carried, pleading silently that he let her help. After a tense minute, he nodded and stood. His movements were stilted as he unzipped what was left of his vest and shrugged out of it, muscles rippling and pulling at the skin, re-opening the wound. Fresh blood spilled down his chest. 

Silently, moving slowly, she got to work. She stood close but did her best to appear unthreatening and not crowd him. 

Shikamaru laughed quietly, the easy shaking of his chest vibrating through her fingers. “It’s fine,” he murmured. He took her hand, forcing it more firmly onto his skin. “I trust you, Kurenai. More than anyone.”

She took a breath at that, keeping her chakra from reacting. Shinobi did not come by trust too easily and it meant more than she could have imagined having this man’s.

“Shikamaru-kun-”

“No,” he said forcefully.

She paused, hand against the warm strength of his chest. He stared, not taking his eyes from her. “Shikamaru,” she amended. They were past formalities. 

He nodded and released her, ignoring that she hadn’t reciprocated his trust.

She made a quick regenerative seal to stitch his flesh together again. It was a difficult jutsu, usually only performed by the highest-trained medi-nin. Her version was sub-par, but even if it was messy it got the job done.

Shikamaru was silent.

Kurenai finished cleaning the blood off of him. He could have taken over, but he seemed satisfied to let her continue. “Do you have something else to wear?”

He shook his head.

“I have some of Asuma’s things that may fit you.” She gathered up the supplies. “I couldn’t get rid of them after …”

“Yeah,” he managed, roughly.

Kurenai moved back into the hall, putting everything away and washing her hands. She ignored the red swirling in the basin of water.

In the bedroom, Yuuta was awake. He tended to sleep all day and stay awake half the night. She sighed in amused exasperation when he lifted his arms and cooed at her.

Shikamaru raised a surprised eyebrow when she came back with Yuuta. She handed him a clean shirt, watching as he pulled it on. “And Shikamaru?” 

“Hm?"

“I trust you too, more than anyone.” She plopped Yuuta in his arms, careful of his wound, and walked away. “I’ll work on that tea.” 

After a moment she could hear Shikamaru chuckle. “I’m gone three weeks and you look like you’ve grown half a foot!”

“I hope you don’t mind leftovers,” Kurenai said, joining them. She set the heated food in front of him, smiling at the returned lightness in the ANBU’s eyes.

“It’s perfect. Thank you, Kurenai.”

He ate as though he hadn’t had a meal in days and with a mission that required an ANBU she knew that could be only too likely. Yuuta happily babbled away at him.

“Would you like me to draw you a bath?”

He shook his head. “I’ve troubled you enough. I shouldn’t have come this late to begin with.” The Nara stood, handing Yuuta back and picked up his things. Kurenai followed to see him out. “Thanks again.”

“It was nothing. Thank you for looking in on us.”

He hummed, not denying it. Shikamaru took Yuuta and held him against his chest for a moment. “Take care of your mom, alright?” he whispered. Little hands clung to him but the jounin handed him back.

“Goodnight, Kurenai.”

“Goodnight, Shikamaru.”

 

“Naruto. Lee.”

His friends grinned. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to be getting everything ready?”

Shikamaru shook his head. “Ino threw us out.” 

Yuuta was standing, gripping his leg and looking at the expanse of space between the jounin like it was insurmountable.

Naruto chuckled. “Come here, Yuuta.” He held out his arms, beckoning the little boy closer. Yuuta wobbled unsteadily when he let go of Shikamaru and took a short, hesitant step. “That’s it!” Another step and he listed dangerously to the right. Lee placed a supporting hand on his back and Yuuta gleefully launched himself at Naruto. “Good job,” the blond laughed, picking him up.

Shikamaru was practically puffing out his chest in pride and Naruto rolled his eyes. “One year old, huh? Happy birthday, Yuu-chan.” He blew a raspberry at the little boy and Yuuta giggled and kicked happily. 

“A beautiful day for a beautiful occasion.” Lee tickled Yuuta. “And how is the lovely, Temari-san?” Lee asked, trying to pry Yuuta’s fingers out of his hair. Yuuta held on tighter.

“She’s good. She went back to Suna last week.”

“Last week? She couldn’t stay for Yuuta’s birthday?”

Naruto was looking at him strangely. “You did tell her about it, right?”

Shikamaru took Yuuta when the boy held out his arms. “It didn’t occur to me. But she should be back in a few months.”

Lee sighed. “I would miss my beloved terribly if we were separated that long.”

“Can’t really be helped for now.” Shikamaru shrugged. “We make do.”

“It’s a good thing you have Yuuta-kun and Kurenai-san to keep you busy.”

Shikamaru ignored Naruto’s thoughtful stare. “See you at the party.”

 

“You asked the Hokage to come? Isn’t that a bit much?”

Shikamaru shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a big day.”

She leaned her hip against the arm of his chair. “He’s turning one. He won’t remember this.”

“But we will.” She turned to him, questioningly. “After everything that happened, that fact that he’s here and that he was born into a world that holds the possibility for a lasting peace is a miracle. It’s something we all need to celebrate.”

Kurenai grinned. “When did you get so wise?”

“I fought it, but it happens to the best of us.”

She laughed. “And did you threaten the rest of the village to get them here?” Kurenai murmured, leaning close.

“Threaten?” Shikamaru stared at Kurenai. “It’s a party. Why would I need to threaten anyone to come?”

She smiled unconvincingly. “Ignore me, it was a joke in poor taste.”

No, it wasn’t, Shikamaru thought. He was getting to know Kurenai very well. “Why-”

“Oh my. You certainly went all-out for this shindig.” 

Shikamaru turned to grin at Kakashi-sensei. “Hey.” 

Iruka walked forward and handed Kurenai a small brightly-wrapped package. “Kurenai-san. A small gift for Yuuta-kun.”

“Oh.” Kurenai bowed after a surprised moment. She took the fist-sized box, neatly enveloped in lovely green. “Thank you, Iruka-san. It really wasn’t necessary.”

“Don’t concern yourself about it, Kurenai. Iruka likes to observe the formalities.”

Kakashi smiled indulgently and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Iruka sniffed. “One of us should. I’m sorry we were late. Someone,” Iruka emphasized with great dignity, “had apparently been dueling with Gai-san.”

“Well, but, sensei. How could I refuse a challenge?”

“You always refuse his challenges.”

Shikamaru snorted, amused. He would never have pictured Kakashi-sensei maintaining any sort of friendship with a chuunin -- or more if rumors were to be believed. The legendary Copy-Nin was known for being aloof and cold-hearted, not to mention extraordinarily dangerous. Shikamaru watched him laugh softly and tease Iruka-sensei and he wondered what it was about the chuunin that seemed to draw the most dangerous shinobi. Naruto had been a child, but he was a Kage now. Very powerful in his own right, more so even than Hatake Kakashi, and the blond was also part of Iruka-sensei's inner circle. Speaking of which. "Where’s Naruto?”

Iruka frowned at the question, looking worried. “Actually, I'd wanted to ask you. He and Tsunade-sama were recalled by Ibiki-san two hours ago. Do you know if something is happening-”

“Would you look at that?" Kakashi interrupted deliberately. Classified then, Shikamaru thought, eyes narrowed. "Yuuta-kun is being extra adorable right over there. Let’s say hello.” Kakashi steered Iruka away. “He’ll be fine, Iruka. Have faith in our number one pupil,” Shikamaru heard the jounin murmur. 

“He’s never going to stop worrying about that blond typhoon, is he?”

“I don’t expect so,” Kurenai said thoughtfully. 

Shikamaru sighed gustily. “We’re in for the same thing, aren’t we.” It wasn’t a question.

Kurenai laughed. “It took you this long to figure it out?”

 

Yuuta was growing quickly. Time felt like so much sand slipping through his hands. Every mission he went on took him away from Yuuta and Kurenai, and every time he missed something essential. He’d missed Yuuta’s first word - really it was more of an elongated burp, Kurenai had assured him. Still, he’d missed the first time Yuuta turned over on his own, the first time he’d shakily started crawling, his first steps. The tighter he tried to hold on, the more they slipped away. 

 

Shikamaru grabbed his go-pack, rifling through it. “Kurenai, have you seen-”

“Your uniform is in Yuuta’s room. I set it to dry outside earlier, it should be ready by now.”

He turned to stare at her. “That’s … you washed it?” He shook himself. “I appreciate it, but you don’t have to-”

“You’re welcome!” She called from the kitchen.

He grinned. “Thank you, Kurenai.”

“Well, you cooked the past three nights. I wanted to do something in return.” She said, walking back into the room. “Why don’t you stay for dinner? You have time before you need to meet Tsunade-sama.”

Shikamaru took a seat on the zabuton, slouching. “I’m surprised you’re not already sick of seeing me.” Yuuta came bounding into the room wearing Shikamaru’s flak vest. It draped over his shins and nearly toppled the kid with its weight. He climbed into Shikamaru’s lap and mimed his posture. The ANBU laughed. Kurenai was not going to thank him for that.

He looked up and Kurenai was smiling at them from the doorway. She walked over and leaned down to blow a raspberry on Yuuta’s cheek making him wriggle and squeal in laughter. Shikamaru hadn’t moved and he found himself enveloped in her scent. It took him a minute to realize she’d said something else.

“What?”

She looked up at him, her face close enough that he could see tiny flecks of black around the rings in the brilliant ruby of her eyes. It was like falling into the sun. He felt suddenly off-kilter. Like he’d missed a step he should have been certain of. She smiled. “We love having you here. We don’t get too many visitors.”

Shikamaru swallowed. “Right. Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Of course I’ll stay.”

Yuuta clapped, happily. “Are you going to sleep here today too, sensei? Can you make me breakfast again?”

Shikamaru glanced at Kurenai. She grinned back at him ruefully. “It’s your own fault for feeding him sugar in the morning.”

Shikamaru huffed a laugh and hoisted Yuuta onto his shoulders. “I’d be happy to, buddy. We’ll even throw in breakfast for your mom. How about that?”

 

He wasn’t going to make it. It was the Red Festival in Konoha, a yearly celebration that rotated through the villages. This year Konoha would host it. Traditionally, the festival was about strengthening village relationships and forming friendships but it’d been canceled in the peril of roaming missing-nin and fracturing alliances. It was good that people could celebrate once again.

He’d mentioned it to Kurenai offhandedly.

“Yuuta would love the Falling Leaf Show,” he’d murmured, almost to himself when he saw Yuuta happily trying to chomp on a lily. 

“He would,” Kurenai agreed. She smiled at Yuuta from around Shikamaru’s shoulder. “I should take him.”

“We should take him,” Shikamaru had corrected promptly.

But he was going to miss it.

His obligations to the Hokage were keeping him more and more occupied. He was starting to make promises he couldn’t keep. Yuuta was too young to understand those obligations. He’d cried when Shikamaru had grabbed his pack to leave.  


“We’ll go to the festival together, okay? But I have to leave for now. I have work to do.” Yuuta had sobbed and reached for him anyway. “I’ll see you soon.” It wasn’t getting any easier to walk away.

Despite that promise he was still tied up with interrogating the shinobi caught trying to steal some medical-nin scrolls. There was no information of any particular value that Ibiki could find but there had to be a very powerful reason to breach the barriers of Konoha and risk their lives for those scrolls.

Shikamaru wished they’d chosen another day to do it.

“Shikamaru-kun, I am here. You are free to carouse with your loved ones.”

Shikamaru blinked. Gai-san was beaming at him. “Huh?”

Gai grinned even wider. “My most worthy rival has informed me that you intend to take Kurenai and Yuuta-chan to the Spring Festival. I will finish here.”

Shikamaru was sorely tempted. “Thank you, Gai-sensei, but my duty is to be here.”

“Did I mention that I saw Kurenai earlier? She said Yuuta-kun is very excited about going to the festival with you.” Gai studied his nails innocently. 

Really, as a ANBU Shikamaru shouldn’t be surprised by the use of underhanded tactics. He stood. “You have my greatest appreciation, sensei,” he said, bowing.

Gai waved him away exuberantly. “Enjoy the sweet blossoming of childhood!” 

 

“Well, well. Don’t you clean up nicely,” Kurenai teased.

Shikamaru forbade himself from flushing. He was wearing old style haori and hakama in the fashion of the pre-village era. He cleared his throat. “Thank you. You look great.” That was a hell of an understatement. Kurenai was breathtaking. The beautiful black and bright red of her kimono, decorated with delicate white flowers perfectly offset her beauty and emphasized the brilliance of her unusual eyes. He was going to stop staring. Any minute.

“Sensei!” 

He turned as Yuuta came barreling out the front door, relieved for the disruption. “Speaking of looking great.” Shikamaru lifted up the squealing Yuuta. “You’re gonna steal the show, kid.”

The festival was packed with people, throngs the likes of which hadn’t been seen in Konoha in more years than Shikamaru could remember. 

“Yuuta, don’t run off,” he admonished when the boy tugged impatiently at his hand. 

“Look, look! There’s Uncle Lee!” 

Lee turned at Yuuta’s yelling and waved brightly at them, running over. Wow, the guy definitely liked green. The yukata he was wearing was nearly the same lurid color as his traditional suit and he’d gone so far as to add an orange sash. Actually, all in all, it suited him, Shikamaru thought just as the taijutsu master reached them.

“Kurenai-san, Shikamaru, good to see you. And you!” He said, grabbing up Yuuta and tossing him on his shoulders. “We need to get you to the game stalls. You’ll love them!” Lee turned to Kurenai and Shikamaru, both he and Yuuta giving them identical pleading looks. 

Kurenai looked at him, eyebrow raised and he huffed a laugh and shrugged.

“Go ahead,” she said and they both whooped happily and ran off. “I suppose now that Yuuta abandoned us for his hip and fun friend, we’ll have to enjoy ourselves without him,” she mulled, taking his arm.

“I’m emotionally devastated,” he said with a straight face, “but I’ll put on a brave face for you.”

She laughed. “Come on, I haven’t had taiyaki in some time. If you keep me company, I’ll treat you.”

“Well, as long as I can have some taiyaki,” he teased.

Several stalls over they heard something crash and people laughing and yelling. 

“What are the odds that noise was Lee and Yuuta?”

Shikamaru hummed. “I’d say excellent to definitely.” He and Kurenai looked at each other and laughed.

 

Shikamaru panted loudly, desperately trying to pull air back into his lungs. He had exhausted his chakra so the shadow techniques were out. It had been years since he’d used too much chakra on a mission, leaving himself vulnerable. He’d had no choice this time, though. There were simply too many of them.

He breathed deeply, hoping the enemy didn’t have a sensor with them. He’d sent Neji on ahead with the child to get him to safety. It wasn’t what he should have done, he’d endangered his mission for the sake of a child - a child who wasn’t even from Konoha. But when he’d looked into those frightened eyes he’d been reminded of his son-

Asuma’s son. 

Neji had looked at him oddly when he’d ordered the byakugan-user ahead with the little boy but he’d followed orders. Now there were only two pursuers left but two was more than enough for a drained jounin. 

He blended himself as best he could into the shadows. He had several surprises lined up for the men following him although they were moving much more cautiously now that they’d lost four of their group. Three days they’d been playing this cat and mouse game, surely that was more than enough time for Neji to have made it to safety.

The string wrapped around his finger shifted and he relaxed, preparing himself. 

He jumped out of the way, into the clearing as a scythe shaved the top off the brush he’d been hiding behind. It would have shaved his head off too. 

He realized his mistake the moment he landed - he was surrounded by exploding seals. I guess they do have a sensor, he thought.

He retained just enough chakra to momentarily revive his shadow technique and grab the missing-nin, tossing him into the ring of seals. He leaped away himself but the explosion still tore through him, knocking him off his feet and tossing him like a rag doll.  


_I’m sorry_ , he thought.

His vision was fading when he saw movement near him. Neji had come back. And it seems he’d brought reinforcements. Kakashi was talking to him but he couldn’t hear what the jounin was saying and then he knew he must be dying because he saw her. She was standing a few feet away in her kunoichi uniform looking as beautiful and deadly as he’d ever seen her.

“Take care of her,” he said to Kakashi, but he didn’t know if any sound made it past his lips. 

 

He knew exactly where he was the moment he regained consciousness. This house was more familiar to him than his own apartment and he relaxed. 

It only took seconds to remember everything that had happened. “You really were there, weren’t you?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He clenched his jaw. He didn’t rebuke her, didn’t get upset, didn’t ask her what the hell she’d been thinking when she had a young son to look after! 

He took a calming breath and nearly jumped when he felt a hand smooth his hair back. He had to strain not to follow that soothing warmth. His chakra really was depleted.  


“Just say ‘thank you, Kurenai,’” she instructed, amused.

He huffed and opened his eyes. She was sitting at his bedside - her bedside, he realized. It was her bed he was lying on. The kunoichi uniform she favored was nowhere in sight and for all her poise she looked worried.

“Are you alright?” he asked, his voice still hoarse.

She reached for the water. He would have lifted his head but even that much movement was beyond him. She sat on the bed and carefully placed her hand behind his neck, lifting so he could take a few cautious sips.  


“Am I alright?” she asked once he was lying down again. “It’s my turn to be asking you that.”

Shikamaru shook his head. “I seem to be on some pretty good drugs. I’m fine.”

Kurenai smiled. “I’m fine too.”

He could feel her hesitancy. “I couldn’t leave him behind,” he finally said, answering her unasked question. “He’s only a child. How pissed is the Hokage?”

“Not at all,” Kurenai responded.

Shikamaru snorted. 

“You did what you needed to do and you saved that child’s life. No one has any right to criticize that,” Kurenai said fiercely. “I saw him,” she admitted quietly, after a moment.

He turned to her. 

“He reminded me of Yuuta.”

His throat closed.

“I don’t know if you did the right thing, all I can tell you is that I would have made the same decision.”

Something tight inside him released and he closed his eyes, exhaustion defeating him. 

He felt her hand over his, a soft, sweet pressure. “It seems Temari-san was out on a mission so we haven’t been able to contact her but I’m certain she’ll be here as soon as Gai and Lee catch up to her.”

Temari? he wondered, through the dark haze of sleep. He hadn’t even-

But the dark was pulling him in and he forgot.

“I would have made the same choice.” He strained to hear the soft words. “I understand, but _please_ … Please. We can’t lose you too.”

The warmth of her hand followed him into his dreams.

 

“It’s a scratch. It’s nothing,”

“Sure. It’s nothing when you manage to get wounded on a B-class mission.”

Shikamaru winced. “You make it sound a lot worse than it is.”

Temari stared at him.

“It’s just a scratch.”

“You’re not recovered enough to be heading out on A-class, much less S-class missions. I hope this proved it to you.”

He sighed. “I’ll give it another day or two but I’m pretty much back at one hundred percent.”

“You’ll give it a week.” She put her fingers over his lips when he was about to start arguing. “Your Hokage agrees. You’re to be out of commission for the next week.”

“You talked to her?” he asked, trying to keep his anger out of his voice.

She smirked. “Don’t get mad at me, _I_ wasn’t the one who said anything.”

He didn’t pursue that further but she was studying him closely. “You know,” she said, overly casual, “all this time and I haven’t met Kurenai-san or Yuuta-kun.”

“Mmm.”

She leaned close and put her arms around him, her body warm and inviting against his. “Why is that?”

He put his arms around her, pulling her close. “Is that really what you want to talk about right now?” he asked against her lips.

“You won’t be able to avoid the subject for long,” she warned, but kissed him.

 

Yuuta laughed delightedly when Shikamaru dipped him in the water. Kurenai smiled at them and he tried not to see the hint of melancholy in it. He was glad it was rare nowadays.

“Again! Again!”

Shikamaru lifted the boy high out of the water, grinning at Yuuta’s excitement and then dunked him to his shoulders again in the cool lake water. Yuuta’s joy was contagious and the jounin laughed.

“Again, daddy!”

And abruptly stopped laughing. He held Yuuta suspended, half out of the water. After a moment he looked to where Kurenai sat, shaded by a tall willow but she was talking to Anko and didn’t seem to have heard.

“Daddy?”

Yuuta was looking at him seriously, his eyes watery, his smile wiped clean as though it had never been there. Shikamaru smiled, though his chest was tight. “It’s ‘sensei.’ Remember, Yuuta?” he corrected gently.

The little boy looked down and nodded, much too understanding for his age. “Sensei,” he repeated obediently, his voice subdued. 

Shikamaru pulled him out of the water and held him close, kissing the top of his head. “I love you, Yuuta.”

The boy nodded then pushed against his chest. 

“Do you want down, now?”

A small nod. 

He walked back and set him on the ground and the boy ran to Kurenai and threw his arms around her. She hugged Yuuta back, surprised and glanced questioningly at Shikamaru.

He watched them, helpless.

 

Kurenai took the small stuffed animal automatically. She blinked in surprise at the soft blue elephant with the large trunk then at the blonde smiling on her doorstep.

Belatedly she made a short bow. “Thank you, Temari-san. Come in.” Kurenai didn’t think she’d ever directly spoken to the young woman before.

Temari grinned. “I thought it was about time we met. I’ve heard so much about you and Yuuta-kun.”

“Yuuta is asleep,” Kurenai said leading the way to the main room. She motioned the sand kunoichi to sit then moved to sit across from her. It had been four years and the young woman had never once visited before. Kurenai felt something clench in her heart. “Temari-san, forgive me for being blunt. Did something happen to Shikamaru?”

“Happen?” Temari repeated, then she paled. “Oh. No, no, he’s fine. He’s alright.”

Kurenai released the white-knuckled grip on her knees, relief coursing through her. 

Temari reached out, touching her hand in comfort and surreptitiously taking her pulse. Kurenai smiled somewhat wryly. It seemed people had forgotten she was a jounin.

“I didn’t realize you would think- I’m sorry.”

Kurenai shook her head, dismissing that.

The blonde stood and moved to examine some small snapdragons Kurenai had on her windowsill. “I’m sure you don’t have to worry about not knowing if something did happen. I’m certain you’d be the first to find out.” 

The leaf jounin studied the blonde, speculating on the strange tone. It was almost as though … “Temari-san, are you concerned about my relationship with Shikamaru?”

The sand kunoichi sucked in a breath and Kurenai nearly laughed at the preposterous idea. She didn’t because Temari looked serious. “Temari-san, I have a child and I’m a widow, not to mention that I’m old enough to be Shikamaru’s much, much older sister.”

Temari made a brave attempt at chuckling.

“There is absolutely no competition. You are his breathtaking, young, talented girlfriend. I am only a burden he bears.”

There was a loud sigh from the window a second before she sensed him. “I’ve told you a million times that you’re not a burden, Kurenai.”

Temari stiffened.

Kurenai told herself she was too old to be rolling her eyes. “Shikamaru, please don’t start imitating Kakashi. I have a perfectly functional front door.”

He made a quick wince of apology. “I was trying to get away from Ibiki. That man has some disturbing ideas on how to train gennin.” The ANBU glanced from Kurenai to Temari. “Now, excuse us. I believe my girlfriend and I need to talk.”

 

Temari’s gaze was fierce. “I am not some insecure academy genin, so don’t start treating me like one.”

Shikamaru had tried to stay calm on the walk to his apartment but he was having a difficult time keeping the insolent slouch that was his custom. “How else will you explain what just happened with Kurenai?” He asked tightly. “She’s my deceased teacher’s widow!”

Temari was quiet, observing him. “You really don’t get it, do you?”

“You think I – what – care too much for her? You realize that gets us right back to the jealousy.”

“Do you know her neighbors have started to shun her? That they whisper about her?”

Shikamaru felt his heart stutter in his chest. 

Temari glanced away. “They’re saying that she spreads her legs to get the protection and favor of an elite clan. She’s become a social pariah.”

“Where did you hear that?” Shikamaru asked tightly.

Temari looked at him warily. “I wanted to know what people made of your relationship with Kurenai and, aside from your close friends, everyone thinks she’s your whore.”

“They’ve hurt her.”

Temari closed her eyes. “Yes.”

“Because of me.”

“She could have told you what was happening.”

“She didn’t tell me because I’d have to stop visiting. And Yuuta...”

“It would crush her son.”

He ran a hand over his head in frustration, expression pained. “I’ve been hurting them both. All this time.”

He looked up, startled when Temari bent to kiss him. 

“You have a lot to work through, and I love you Shikamaru but I honestly hope I never see you again.” There were tears in her voice and pooling in her eyes. 

He stood, shocked. “Temari?”

“You have got to be the stupidest genius I’ve ever known.” She pushed him away and wiped at her eyes. “Goodbye, Shikamaru.”

“Wait, Temari.”

She turned back and looked at him scornfully. “I am your girlfriend. We’ve been together for over four years.”

He nodded.

She looked at him unhappily. “Tell me something. Have you ever even considered asking me to marry you?”

He froze, feeling cornered. His only thought was _what about Kurenai_? And he wasn’t able to stop her when she laughed derisively and was gone. 

“Fuck.”

 

It was appropriate, he thought distantly, that when he went to his sensei’s grave it was raining.

“I’m sorry, Asuma.” He’d spent all the next day after Temari left, thinking. He hadn’t wanted to go after her unless it was with a sure heart and a proposal of marriage. Instead, his thoughts had returned to Kurenai and Yuuta time and again. And slowly he began to see what others did. The visits, the presents, the outings. The breakfasts and lunches and dinners. Taking Yuuta to the doctor when he was sick. Staying the night when Kurenai needed a break - even when she didn’t. Bringing her groceries. Setting the wards to their home. And eventually, when he couldn’t avoid it any longer he’d thought that somewhere in the pretense of acting like a family, they had actually become one. And he had fallen in love with Kurenai.

He pulled a cigarette from his jacket pocket and lit it, inhaling the smoke deeply into his lungs. He sat down at the foot of the grave. “You protected me so many times, sensei, and look what I’ve done in return.”

He bowed his head. “Asuma, I would never betray you. What am I supposed to do?”

 

He didn’t do anything. He volunteered for a tiresome mission that got him away from Konoha for the next five weeks. He wasn’t willing to face Kurenai just yet. 

On his drained return he found a note pushed half-way under his door. He knew the untidy childish scrawl better than his own and he stared at the envelope, his chest tight. The boy would have begged Kurenai that she help him write it, of course, and she would have accompanied him here to the shadow user’s door to deliver it. 

He didn’t rush to their sides but it had more to do with sensing his father’s presence rather than any willpower on his part. 

 

“Alright, what’s going on with you?”

Shikamaru paused with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth. Ino took a seat across from him looking irritated. Chouji sat next to her, shooting Shikamaru an apologetic look.

“Good to see you too,” he said wryly.

Ino rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Now spill.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He wondered if playing dumb had been a bad idea when her eyes narrowed and she glanced around furtively before leaning forward. 

“First you take that pointless mission. Your words,” she pointed out when he looked ready to object. “Then you break up with Temari.”

There was probably no point asking how she’d found that out.

“And yesterday, Yuuta asked me if I’d seen you.”

He really wished she’d left that part out. He was silent.

“You’re avoiding them,” she said, sounding surprised though she must have already drawn that conclusion. He hoped Kurenai hadn’t.

“What did you tell them?” He was certain his voice didn’t betray him but she still looked at him pityingly. 

“Don’t worry, I lied. I told them I hadn’t seen you, that you must not be back.”

He nodded gratefully, ignoring her disapproval. She was waiting for him to explain and he had no idea what to say to her.

Finally he shrugged. “I broke up with Temari, went on that mission to lick my wounds and I haven’t been quite up to social visits.”

Ino stared, unconvinced. “Maybe if we weren’t your friends we’d believe that.” She looked sick for a moment and glanced at him worriedly. “You’re staying away because of what they’ve been saying about Kurenai-san, right?”

“What they’ve been saying?” He froze, realizing what she was referring to. “You knew?” His voice was low, tinged with anger.

“How could I tell you?” she asked desperately. “Yuuta is so happy when you’re with him and even Kurenai-san doesn’t look so sad.” Her eyes pleaded with him. “She didn’t want you to know.”

“Ino,” he closed his eyes, pained. “I wouldn’t just disappear and leave them to deal with this alone.”

She bit her lip. “So what’s going on? Why do you suddenly not want to see them?”

Shikamaru swallowed. 

Chouji was looking at him intently. “I know you better than I know myself sometimes. I could tell when something changed. When you changed.”

“He became a jounin, got a girlfriend and was being more responsible. I noticed that too,” Ino said impatiently.

Chouji shook his head. “I noticed he was in love.”

“Well, that was bound to happen, I mean, Temari-san is amazing,” she said but her voice shook just the slightest bit and she looked like she was desperately trying to believe her own words.

Chouji shot her a sympathetic glance. Shikamaru pushed his food away. He was definitely done eating. His best friend looked at him directly, looked past the jounin mask like Shikamaru wished for the first time he couldn’t do and said simply, “You’re in love with Kurenai-san.”

Ino didn’t gasp but her face became chalk white and she looked so devastated. 

Shikamaru didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. His throat closed tightly and no sound escaped him. They were silent, all three of them sitting in the very same booth that they’d at one time shared with Asuma as well. He pulled out a cigarette with shaking fingers, hoping his friends wouldn't notice, lighting it slowly, letting it choke his lungs.

Neither of them said: _How could you? She was Asuma’s wife_.

They didn’t say: _He saved your life. He was your teacher_.

Or: _He was your friend_.

Shikamaru heard it all anyway. He bowed his head, tossing the butt onto the saucer and laced his hands tightly over the table. He cleared his throat. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing will ever come of it. It’ll be a small annoyance in my life, nothing more.”

Ino looked like she was trying not to cry and he reached forward and grasped her hand tightly. She took a shaky breath. “Is this what you’re going to do from now on? Distance yourself from them?”

Shikamaru shook his head. “Of course not, they deserve better than that.”

Ino looked miserable so he tugged her hand lightly and smiled. “It’s fine. Nothing will change.”

Her tears finally spilled over and he rubbed her fingers gently. “Ino-chan,” he said teasingly.

“I’m sorry.” She hiccuped and wiped at her face. 

Chouji put an arm around her but he was looking somberly at Shikamaru. “Well, you know I’m around for babysitting when you need it.”

He smiled, grateful that his friend wouldn’t pity him. 

Ino laughed shakily. “Yeah, me too.”

 

He hadn’t even set foot on the bottom step when the door was thrown open.

“Sensei!” 

Shikamaru grinned and caught Yuuta as the boy jumped into his arms. “How are you doing, kiddo?”

Yuuta wrapped his arms around Shikamaru’s neck tightly. “Where were you? I missed you.”

Shikamaru grinned, though his heart squeezed in a way that was probably not good for his longevity. “I was on a mission. You know that.”

“Momma missed you too.”

“Yeah?” Finally, Shikamaru couldn’t avoid Kurenai’s gaze anymore and he turned to her. She had come to the door and stood framed by sunlight.

“It was pretty quiet without you around,” she agreed, smiling. But the smile was strained. There was a flash of hurt in her eyes that cut Shikamaru to the core.

“I’m sorry, Kurenai.” 

She stood back. “Would you like to come in?”

There was a new, stilted awkwardness to her question. “Yes.” He held her gaze, hoping she would understand that nothing had changed.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she murmured as he walked inside. His heart slammed against his ribs and he tried not to read into that. “I wanted you to know, I spoke with the Hokage and asked her for a mission.”

For a second Shikamaru was sure he must have heard wrong. “You did what?”

Kurenai tossed her hair back, red gaze determined. “I’m taking a mission.”

“Oww,” Yuuta whined suddenly.

Shikamaru immediately loosed his hold. “Sorry, Yuu-chan.” He murmured absently, rubbing the boy’s back. He set him down after a moment, ruffling his hair. “Kiddo, I need to talk to your mom for a moment. Why don’t you go get your outfit ready and we can play afterward, okay?”

Yuuta clutched at the ANBU’s hand. “Really? Can we play ninja?”

Shikamaru grinned, “Of course we can play ninja.”

“Okay!” Yuuta was gone in an instant and could soon be heard throwing things around in his bedroom - his own tiny hurricane.

Shikamaru turned back Kurenai. He had no right to object to her taking missions - there were plenty of single parents who did, but he couldn’t just ignore that the thought of her out there again made his heart seize. 

They moved by mutual, unspoken accord into the sitting room though neither of them sat. He could see the immovable set of her shoulders and felt his stomach turn to ice. He cleared his throat. “You hadn’t mentioned that you were ready to take missions again,” he said, keeping his tone neutral.

She shrugged. “I’d been considering it for the past year. Yuuta is growing up and he’s at the age where he can begin to understand that I have a duty and I need to work.”

“If this is about money-”

“Don’t!” She snapped, her eyes flashing fire. “Don’t you dare offer me money. Haven’t you heard that people are calling into question your abilities as a leader for bringing us here? For giving a clanless kunoichi special treatment? You’ve done too much for us already.”

Shikamaru grit his teeth and closed the distance between them, gripping her arms. “I don’t give a damn what anyone in this village has to say about us. You and Yuuta are the most important people in my life.”

Kurenai laughed grimly. “Shikamaru, I am more grateful than I can say for what you’ve done, but we both have to care about what people say. You’re the next head of your clan, you need to be a leader your clan can trust. You can’t have them whispering about you.”

“I can control my clan,” he snarled.

“You’ve stayed away from us because you know what’s being said about you,” she continued even as he was shaking his head. “You have,” she insisted, voice steady, though she wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I understand-”

“Oh, do you? You understand?” He growled. Her gaze jerked back to his in surprise. “You have no idea-” He took a deep breath, realizing belatedly that he was still holding her and forced himself to release her. “I’m sorry I stayed away. It had nothing to do with people’s idiotic gossip, I just needed some time.” He clenched his fist, silently asking Temari for forgiveness. “Temari and I broke up.”

Kurenai’s eyes widened. “Shikamaru. I had no idea.” She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

He took a shaky breath. God, this was liable to kill him. “Don’t be. Like I said, I just needed a few days.”

“I thought-”

“I know,” Shikamaru said. He hated using the dissolution of his relationship with Temari this way. It was unfair to her, but Kurenai would stop digging if she thought it would hurt him. “But I promise you, it had nothing to do with gossip about us.” He hoped she wouldn’t notice that he’d flushed at saying that.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry I doubted you. You’re a friend, you don’t deserve that.”

Shikamaru forced himself not to flinch. “I’m not a particularly good man, Kurenai, but I will never abandon the people I ... care about.”

 

The moment Pakkun appeared, sending his paperwork flying, he knew what it was about.

The mutt stared at him a long moment looking somber and if Shikamaru were a less patient man he might have snapped at the nin-dog. 

“Don’t panic.”

The genius sighed and shook his head. “Pakkun, when you say that to someone who has kids, the very first thing they’re going to do is panic.”

The nin-dog eyed him closely. “You’re not panicking.”

“I’m not panicking because I know Yuuta is with Iruka and if this were something urgent he wouldn’t have sent you. And I would have sensed it.” Shikamaru stood and his chakra flared for a moment. A second later an ANBU stood in the shadowed corner of the office. “I’m heading to the Academy. Stay with the Hokage.”

A short nod and the masked man was gone. 

“Let’s go.”

 

Shikamaru was panicking internally. He knew Yuuta was safe, he would know instantly if the child was hurt but being summoned to the school still made his heart kick painfully behind his ribs. Yuuta had only been in school a few weeks and Shikamaru remembered how lonely school had been for Naruto. He hated to think of Yuuta being that vulnerable.

“Iruka-san.”

“Shikamaru-kun, thank you for coming. I sent for Kurenai-san as well, she should be here soon.”

He nodded, taking in the tableau. Four kids in all, including Yuuta. Three of them were standing together, glaring at Yuuta along with their parents. 

“It’s the next head of the Nara clan,” he heard in murmurs around him. 

A few other kids and parents were standing apart and clearly were nothing more than an unwanted audience.

“I told you he doesn’t have a dad,” he heard one of them whisper. 

Shikamaru took a discreet breath to keep from snapping at the snot-nosed brat. Yuuta wouldn’t look up.

“Yukiko! You’re all in trouble so unless you want cleaning duties for the rest of the year KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!”

Shikamaru grinned at his old Academy teacher. Iruka really hadn’t changed one bit. Still protecting the underdogs. 

The chunin glared at the kid, uncaring that his parents looked affronted.

“Sensei.” Iruka turned to him. “What happened?”

Iruka winced. “I have an entire classroom full of broken glass. Five windows were broken. These three all claim that Yuuta is responsible.”

Shikamaru sighed. He went and stood in front of the boy until the tousled head lifted and dark, watery eyes met his.

“Well, Yuuta?”

“But it wasn’t me!” 

Shikamaru nodded. “I believe you.” He ignored the grumbling from the other parents. “What happened?”

Yuuta lowered his eyes and bit his lip. 

“Yuuta.”

The boy only looked more miserable and glanced furtively at the three boys glaring at him before ducking his head once more.

Iruka started, “Yuuta-kun.”

Shikamaru held up a hand. “Well then, Yuuta, I expect you to clean this up and you’ll pay for the damage from your allowance. Understood?”

Yuuta nodded, still not meeting Shikamaru’s eyes.

“It’s to be expected that a boy without a father and _that_ kind of mother would be problematic.”

Shikamaru turned and Iruka paled. “Mika-san!”

Yuuta flushed darkly. “You shut up about my mom!”

Iruka glanced at Shikamaru worriedly, as though he could sense the killing intent boiling under the ANBU’s skin. 

“And I do too have a dad! I have a dad! He’s my dad!”

Yuuta was pointing at him and just like that Shikamaru was utterly disarmed. 

The boy stopped cold, looking shocked at what he’d said then turned an angry, defiant gaze on Shikamaru that slowly dissolved into hiccuping tears. “I’m sorry! I know you’re not really my dad. I know you don’t want a kid like me.” 

The other parents were eagerly straining to hear.

 _Damn what they say_ , Shikamaru thought, and knelt. He pulled the struggling boy into his arms, hugging him tightly. “Don’t ever say that I don’t want you.” Shikamaru pulled back and wiped the boy’s tears away. “Listen to me. You are Asuma’s son,” he kept his grip firm when the struggling resumed. “You have his kindness and bravery and spirit.” He took a breath and gripped that stubborn chin. “And you’re _my_ kid too, Yuuta. You don’t have one father, you have two.”

Iruka was looking at them sympathetically. “You can take him home. I’m not convinced he’s to blame.”

Yuuta was drawing in hitching, sobbing breaths and he threw himself into Shikamaru’s arms, little hands clutching the back of his neck. Shikamaru glared at the straggling parents who were blatantly eavesdropping. 

He turned when he sensed Kurenai behind him. She looked saddened and resigned and Shikamaru was sick of not being able to protect his most precious people. He picked up Yuuta in one arm and extended his other to Kurenai. After a moment she stepped forward into his embrace and he hugged them both to him tightly.

“Momma. Daddy.” Yuuta murmured, still shaky but happy and Shikamaru kissed Kurenai on the temple when he felt her tremble against him. 

“Let’s go home.”

 

Their walk to the house was strained for all of Yuuta’s oblivious, happy chattering. Shikamaru unlocked the wards and it was such a normal ritual that it took a moment for him to realize the implications of having such free access to Kurenai and Yuuta.  


“Yuuta, do you want to play with Bull and Shiba?” he asked once they were inside.

The boy bounced on his feet in excitement. “Really? Really, dad?”

Kurenai inhaled sharply, looking ill. 

Shikamaru grinned at Yuuta and swung the boy up into his arms. “Of course! Let’s go ask Kakashi-sensei, alright?” He glanced at Kurenai making sure to keep the smile on his face. “We’ll talk when I get back.”

He didn’t wait for a response and was gone with Yuuta in an instant. He hoped Kakashi didn’t mind babysitting duties. 

 

Kurenai didn’t look any more prepared for the talk they were about to have than Shikamaru felt. He sat across from her at the small table and simply watched her. She looked tired, and he wondered how she still managed to take his breath away. How the hell hadn’t he noticed? When had it started?

She moved suddenly, her hands unsteady and reached to pour them both tea. He stopped her, taking her hands in his. Finally, she glanced up and met his gaze. As much time as he’d spent with her he still wasn’t sure what he was reading in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” he said, much more harshly than he’d intended. He was sick of hearing apologies from her lips. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” He took a deep breath, struggling not to let her feel his own hands shake. 

“Shikamaru.”

“Don’t say it doesn’t concern me.”

Her shoulders slumped. “I didn’t want you bothered by what was happening.”

He laced their fingers together. She didn’t seem to notice. “I know. Tell me anyway.”

She raised a pained gaze. “It’s started to affect Yuuta too and I can’t stand that. They won’t let him play with their children,” she admitted in a whisper and Shikamaru very much wanted to hurt someone. “I didn’t notice at first but now he’s in school and he wants friends and they won’t let him. I can’t protect him.”

She wasn’t crying but there was such agony on her face that Shikamaru almost wished she would. 

“And this is all because of me.” He tightened his fingers when she would have protested. “It’s my fault,” he repeated.

She shook her head. “You’ve done nothing but look after us, Shikamaru. Neither of us had any idea what people would think. It shouldn’t matter,” she said suddenly, fiercely. “I’m a widow. What should it matter to them that you’ve been good enough to try and fill the role of Yuuta’s father. He needs a father.” She flushed darkly. “But that’s not what they think. They think you’re here for …”

“Kurenai.” She looked at him, her expression bleak. “I’m not going to let you or Yuuta continue to be hurt.”

“I don’t know how much we can do. I’ve tried to talk to them,” she revealed. She smiled bitterly. “One of the women actually slammed the door in my face.”

Shikamaru took a deep breath to keep his chakra from exploding out of control and to draw strength for what he was about to do next. _Forgive me, Asuma_. “Kurenai, there is a way.” 

She only looked at him inquiringly.

“This is all a matter of respectability in their eyes. They shun you because you’re not married and frequently receive a man in your home.”

She closed her eyes in pain. “Shikamaru, I understand this affects you as well and I am truly sorry about that, but please … please don’t.” She took a deep breath and pulled his hands closer, holding tightly. “Please don’t stop visiting Yuuta. Nothing would hurt him more than that.”

He frowned at her. “You should know that I would never allow anyone to pressure me into abandoning either one of you. I meant,” he looked at her intently, willed her to understand, “that marriage would fix all of this.”

She stared at him, her mouth open, before giving a strangled laugh.

Not exactly the reaction I was going for, he thought wryly. But then again it was better than a lot of other reactions.

“Shikamaru,” she said, her voice shaking, “are you suggesting I put out a notice? _Widowed jounin woman seeking marriage and father for her son. Willing to cook. Those who want sex need not apply_. I’m sure I’d have men lined up around the corner.”  


He stared at her steadily. “You only need one.”

She closed her eyes. “I don’t have one, Shikamaru. In case you hadn’t noticed, I haven’t exactly been looking.”

“Don’t be deliberately obtuse,” he said quietly. “You know perfectly well I’m speaking of myself.”

She jerked away violently, the harsh noise of the chair rebounding off the floor as jarring as a sudden explosion. “I’ll pay you the compliment of assuming you’re serious because I don’t want to believe you’re capable of joking about something like this. And having said that,” she rounded on him. “How can you possibly propose such a thing?” She was livid.

He faced her the furious wave of her chakra calmly. He couldn’t allow himself to lose control of his emotions. “It is the only answer to the problem that solves for all difficulties.”

“This isn’t a strategical equation!” she yelled.

He looked at her coolly. “It might as well be.”

She took a deep breath and righted the chair, taking a seat again. He could see her trying to gain control. “Temari-san.”

“Temari and I are over.”

She stopped and stared at him. “There’s hope, Shikamaru.”

“Trust me, there isn’t.”

Kurenai kept staring, trying to read him. “Why did you break up?”

He shook his head. “It’s not what you think.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You have no idea what I think.”

Ye gods, Kurenai could be frightening too. “You’re thinking it had something to do with you.”

“Did it?”

“No.”

“You’re lying.”

He shrugged, feigning a nonchalance he did not feel. “I’ve been known to, but not in this case.”

“There is no possibility of you and Temari reconciling.”

It wasn’t a question so he didn’t bother repeating himself.

Kurenai looked shaken. It took her a moment to collect herself. “I’m sorry, Shikamaru.”

“Don’t be. We both realized it wasn’t going anywhere.” Not precisely the truth but Kurenai could never know the truth. 

“How can you say that? You love her.”

He smiled bitterly. “It turns out I don’t. Not like she needs me to.”

“But-”

“Kurenai,” he interrupted, not willing to let her delve too deeply into his and Temari’s break-up. She was too smart. “If you were to marry me - in name only - it would provide you and Yuuta the security you both need.”

“In name only,” she repeated.

He focused on not squirming in his seat. “Of course. This is for the sake of giving you and Yuuta your rightful places in Konoha.”

She smiled at him and he had not seen that darkness in her eyes since Asuma’s death. “And you’re the one, right? You’ll sacrifice yourself for the sake of a widow and a fatherless child.”

He drew back surprised. “Kurenai, this isn’t a sacrifice. Nothing would make me happier than protecting the two of you.”

“And when you fall in love, Shikamaru? Will you force the woman you love to be nothing more than your mistress?”

“No,” he said hoarsely.

“I see, then you would divorce me to marry her?”

He closed his eyes, wishing she would accept, that she wouldn’t keep asking questions because he could not tell her why he would not be falling in love. Why it had been too late for him to love Temari.

“Don’t you want children, Shikamaru? A marriage with a woman you love?” He felt her hand draw near, fingers soft on his arm. “I promise you, Shikamaru, that you have more than fulfilled the vow you made to Asuma. Trying to protect us at the expense of the rest of your life is not something I could ever allow. Nor is it something he would have wanted.”

He took her hand, held it. “I’m not doing this out of some misplaced sense of duty, Kurenai. Please trust me. Do it for your son.”

She smiled. “I’ve accepted too much from you already for the sake of my son.”

“You won’t reconsider?”

“No.”

He stood. “Then I hope someday you’ll forgive me.”

 

Shikamaru bowed to the elder who regarded him without enthusiasm.

“You’re Shikaku’s boy.”

Shikamaru didn’t bother to refute the _boy_. “I am.”

“Heh, well, I’ve been wanting to meet you. I’ve been hearing good things about our clan leader’s son.”

It was all Shikamaru could do not to sigh. 

The old man grinned at his long-suffering air. “Well, what does the famed genius want with me?”

Shikamaru did not permit himself to question what he was about to do. “I want to know if there is a way to create a marriage contract without the presence of both parties.”

The elder paused with his writing and looked at him more closely. “Naturally, two people may get married even if they are not physically in the same room. As long as there are witnesses to the signing of the contract.”  


“There will be no witnesses to her signing.” His voice was devoid of emotion.

“Why would that be?”

Shikamaru kept his expression as bored as he knew how. “Because she will not be signing.” 

The old man’s expression hardly changed. “You do know, you are suggesting falsifying legally binding documents. An offense punishable by institutionalization.” 

“That is my concern, not yours. Is there a way?” He asked again, knowing he wasn’t being as composed as he’d hoped.

“Mebbe so, mebbe so,” the elder laughed. “The witnesses are a must - we need signatures, and those witnesses must be court-sanctioned.” The wrinkled hand took up the pen again and tapped it against the book. “Well, generally if the lady doesn’t want the marriage then that is the end of it. But,” he cast a sly glance at the young man, “as the head of such a useful clan to Konoha, there have always been … exceptions.”

“Then the marriage is possible?”

“It is. A contract may be drawn as soon as it is established that she has no ties to another.”

Shikamaru bowed. “I am grateful. This is to be a private matter, of course.”

“As you say, young master.”

 

When the knock came on his door Shikamaru did not hesitate though his knees weakened for a moment.

Kurenai stood on the other side of the door and despite thinking himself prepared for her anger and indignation what he saw was much worse. She looked defeated.

She stood at the entrance to his apartment and only looked at him searchingly. He didn’t know if she found what she needed.

He stepped back. “Come inside.”

She nodded and politely removed her shoes. “Excuse me,” she murmured and he was so on edge he would have welcomed yelling, screaming, crying - anything but the blankness with which she turned to him. “What did you do?”

He took a closer look at the papers she clutched in one hand though he already knew what they would contain. He’d signed them, after all. 

He cleared his throat. “It’s a marriage contract.” Which she already knew. 

Her hands clenched but her voice was steady. “This isn’t simply an agreement you filed for. This has been signed and sealed.”

He didn’t look away. “Yes.”

“We’re already married.”

He inclined his head in agreement.

“And I have no say in the matter?”

He took a step closer to her, stopping when he felt her chakra flare in warning. “Kurenai, I know it’ll make no difference to you now, I know you don’t want to hear it, but this is for the best.”

“Forced marriages are supposed to be a thing of the past.”

He sighed and sat, beckoning her to do the same but she remained standing. “Kurenai, you should know that I’m only trying to help. You won’t accept it but what else was I supposed to do? Let you and Yuuta become outcasts when it would be as simple as signing a paper to spare you all of that?”

“You have no claim over Yuuta or myself. You have absolutely no right to do this.”

He let that slice into him. It was no more than he deserved for forcing her hand this way.

She must have seen something in his expression because she said, “I don’t want to hurt you, Shikamaru. You’ve been more than a friend, you’ve become the only family Yuuta and I have left.” Her red eyes narrowed. “What would happen if I go to the Hokage and tell her I did not sign this?”

He didn’t move. “In all likelihood, I would be imprisoned.”

“Shikamaru,” Kurenai groaned. “Please, spare us both and annul this now. Find Temari, marry her.”

“No.”

She closed her eyes, her expression pained and he wanted nothing more than to put his arms around her. He didn’t move.

They sat there in silence for long minutes. Shikamaru didn't have a defense and Kurenai was probably plotting of a way to hide his body. Finally, she simply sighed. “Very well.” She placed the sheets she was holding on the table, smoothing them carefully. “I’ll assume you’ve told your family about this?”

He shook his head and she glanced at him in surprise. “They only know that I want to marry you. I told them that after being by your side all these years, I’d fallen in love with you and I could no longer lie to myself or Temari.”

“Nobody could believe that, Shikamaru.”

He grinned but something in it made her turn away, aching.

“People love a good scandal, don’t they?” he asked, uncaring. “They’ll believe anything.”

“And when Temari-san hears of this?” She asked quietly.

“She’s strong. I hope that someday she’ll meet the man who can give her everything she deserves.”

“You are that man.”

He shook his head and she finally dropped into the seat across from him. 

“You don’t have to worry. I don’t go back on my word.”

“I know.” She smiled sadly. “That’s why I didn’t want you to do this.”

 

“I’m marrying, Kurenai.”

The two looked at him, uncomprehending. 

“It’s going to be a marriage of convenience but I don’t want anyone else to know that. I’m telling you because I trust you both.”

Ino sighed. “What did you do?”

Chouji studied Shikamaru. “This is to protect them, right?” Shikamaru nodded. “But it could also be your chance to form a real family with them.”

The shadow shinobi nearly laughed. He didn’t because he knew it would not have been a pleasant sound. “No. This is only for the sake of appearances.”

Ino leaned forward. “But, if she’s marrying you then maybe-”

“She’s still in love with Asuma.”

The quiet was raw and Shikamaru moved to pour himself more sake so he wouldn’t shatter something like he wanted to. “Kurenai didn’t choose to marry me. I forced the issue and I’m telling you that for her sake. I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to think that she’d stoop to loving me.”

Ino closed her eyes. 

There were no congratulations forthcoming and after a moment he stood. “Thank you for listening and I hope you’ll be at my wedding.”

 

The next day he announced to his clan that he had proposed marriage to Kurenai and she had accepted him. Only his friends and one old man knew the truth and he valued his position too much to ever cross the next head of the Nara clan. Amidst congratulatory back slaps and hugs and his parents’ - thankfully silent - disapproval, wedding plans began.

Shikamaru refused to let others think Kurenai was a dirty secret. He would stand proudly by her side as her husband in front of his clan and the whole of Konoha.

 

“These are beautiful. Look, Kurenai-san, they have them in pink too!”

Ino gagged. “You’re the only one who would want pink at a wedding, idiot.”

Sakura glared at the blonde. “That’s because I have good taste.”

“I think it’s pretty,” Hinata agreed, flushing a little.

“There, you see!” Sakura crowed in triumph. 

Ino rolled her eyes.

“Make sure there’s plenty of booze.”

Sakura sighed. “Tsunade-sensei, it’s a wedding.”

“Yeah, you gotta have plenty of booze at weddings.”

“Perhaps we should discuss the toast to be given. It is an essential part of any wedding.”

Kiba growled. “Stop acting like the father of the bride, Shino. If anyone’s giving the toast it’s gonna be me!”

Kurenai closed the door softly behind her and breathed deeply. The arguing didn’t stop. 

“Finally had enough, huh?”

She rubbed her temples. The unseasonable heat was oppressive. “I don’t understand why you brought them here.”

“To help plan everything, of course.”

She stared at him. “We’re already married. This is completely unnecessary.”

He leaped off the high wall and landed softly in front of her. He leaned close, mouth nearly touching her ear. “Yes, but aside from Ino, Chouji and the clerk, we are the only ones who know that. According to the official version, I proposed last week and you said yes.”

She stepped back. “There is no need-”

“There is every need.” His tone was firm. “You are to be the wife of the head of the Nara clan and you’re a strong jounin in your own right. They must give you your rightful place.”

She blinked at him. “Head?”

He smiled wryly. “My father has decided to step down and cede the position to me.” 

“You hadn’t said anything.”

He shrugged. “You’ve had other things on your mind.” He shook his head when she looked ready to apologize. “Don’t. I’m grateful you’re still speaking to me.”

Kurenai sighed and sat on the stone step, indicating the place beside her. He took the seat, his shoulder brushing hers. “The only thing I’m upset about is you stopping your life for us. This marriage,” she turned to him, her knees touching his thigh, “it’s already changing everything. Some women in your clan came and introduced themselves and they brought their children.” She reached for his hands, squeezing tight. “You should have seen Yuuta. He was so happy.” She smiled radiantly and his breath caught. “It’s thanks to you. Because you’re willing to do this for him.”

“For you both,” he corrected automatically and she flushed. Shikamaru had an unpleasant jolt when he realized he was far too aware of everything about her. “That’s why we’re going to do this right.”

Her lips twitched. “You just want to rub it in the face of everyone who’s been gossiping about us, don’t you?”

He grinned. “I’m gonna make sure it’s a ridiculously grand affair.”

Just then the door flew open and Yuuta stomped outside. 

“Dad!” he cried happily, spotting Shikamaru. “You’re back!”

“Hey, kiddo.” Shikamaru caught Yuuta when the boy jumped into his arms. “You helping your mom with the wedding?”

Yuuta frowned and crossed his arms. “Now they want yellow,” he said, disgusted.

Kurenai stood, offering them her hand. “Let’s give them every color under the sun.”

 

He took a deep breath. It didn’t help. 

“I’ve never seen you lost for words.”

“It’s for good reason.” He sat, sighing heavily. “I don’t suppose you could make this easier on me?”

Kurenai sat across from him, observing him. “I have no idea what you want to talk to me about.”

He leaned back, trying to affect unconcern. “It’s about the day of the wedding.”

She nodded, waiting.

“It has been brought to my attention that there are going to be certain … expectations.”

Kurenai frowned. “You’re going to have to be clear. I’ve never actually attended a wedding and Asuma and I didn’t have a ceremony.”

He placed his hands on the table, palms up. She stared at him but placed her hands in his after a moment. “I haven’t been to a wedding either, to be honest. But I’m not talking about the ceremony.” He stood and pulled her up until they were facing one another. “I mean about us,” he said and tugged her close. Brought her near until their bodies were nearly touching - nearly but not, because she held back. “Expectations about casual touches,” he finished with a meaningful look at the space between them.

“You mean-”

“I’m given to understand that we’ll likely be expected to kiss,” he clarified, making every attempt to sound nonchalant. “Even if it isn’t necessary we should be comfortable with being close.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Kurenai … I swear to you, I’m not trying to … to take advantage,” he said, shifting uncomfortably.

He stopped when she laughed. “The last thing I’m worried about is you taking advantage, Shikamaru. If anything, I’m sure people will think I’m the one using you. It’s not far from the truth,” she said sadly.

He shook his head. “I don’t want you thinking that. Everything I’ve done is because I’ve wanted to.” He tipped her chin up to meet his gaze. “It stopped being about Asuma a long time ago. It’s about you and Yuuta.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said softly.

He carefully controlled his breathing, making certain that his chakra was on a tight leash. As long as he kept a hold on his chakra it would circumvent any awkward occurrences such as having to explain why he was hard. He just needed to make sure Kurenai didn’t suspect-

“What are you doing?”

But she was a jounin. Not easy to deceive her.

She placed her fingers over his wrists, measuring his heartbeats. “This makes you uncomfortable.” She said.

He shook his head. 

“It does.” 

“Nervous maybe,” he corrected. “You think I’m a good man and I don’t want to lose that.”

She gripped his face, hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. “You are a good man. The best of men.”

“I hope you always believe that,” he murmured, putting his arms around her and pulling her closer. They had to do this. They had to, he told himself fiercely, ignoring the little voice gleefully telling him that he was doing it because it was the only way he would ever have her.

Kurenai forced herself to relax, the weight and her of her body a sweet torture against his. “I’m afraid,” she admitted, softly. “It’s so strange to feel fear at this.”

He jerked back. “Kurenai, I would never-”

She shook her head. “Not of you. Even if I weren’t a jounin, I could never be afraid of you.” She drew close and let her head drop onto his shoulder, her arms still hanging at her sides. “I’m afraid of letting you touch me.”

He waited.

“I’m afraid that I might …” she took a deep breath. “That I might feel something … and what it would mean,” she finished softly. 

He squeezed her shoulders. “It would mean you’re alive,” he murmured against her temple, unable to keep from inhaling her sweet scent, even knowing it would haunt his dreams. “Kurenai,” he kissed her neck and she shook against him. “Kurenai, sometimes no matter how much you don’t want to feel something, you feel it. It’s what makes us human. It’s what makes us vulnerable.” 

She swallowed and shifted closer, her hands moved to grip his uniform jacket and he slowly put his arms around her. Surrounded her, and it was everything he wanted and everything he dreaded.

“It’s alright,” he murmured, catching her chin and tipping her head up. “It’s alright if you feel something.” He moved closer, lips inches away. “It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him, that you don’t love him still.” And she closed her eyes and he kissed her. His lips finally, finally touching hers and it was home and welcome and warmth. He slanted his head, fitting their mouths even closer, and purposefully licked her lips. She gasped, her lips parting. Heated breath washed across his mouth. He touched his tongue to her lower lip, asking permission and she opened to him. He groaned and swept his tongue inside, exploring all of her and he couldn’t get enough. He hated that his vest was in the way, that he couldn’t feel her fully against the length of his body.

Her tongue touched his, slid along his, tangling and he gave in, placing his hands on her hips and pulled her forward, molded them together and she moaned and she was melting against him-

The next breath she was standing across the room, still gasping. 

He didn’t move closer, working on getting his own breathing under control. 

“I can’t,” she finally blurted. “Shikamaru-”

He was looking at her. He wouldn’t apologize, there would be no point.

She was shaking, he could feel the wild flare of her chakra. His was probably no better. “I can’t.”

“Stop.” He could feel her ready to disappear, to use a transportation jutsu and she would be gone. But that would make everything worse. They would both pretend nothing had happened and never deal with this openly. Things wouldn’t be the same between them again. Their friendship itself would be at risk. He could never allow that. “Please, Kurenai.”

She had turned away from him but it was a victory that she was still there. 

“We’ll handle the ceremony without-” He stopped. “Kurenai,” he stepped slowly closer, “please, just let me...” He held out his hands. 

She looked at him, at his outstretched hands and stepped forward. He nearly sagged in relief when she moved close to him once again. “I’m not blaming you, Shikamaru. There isn’t anyone to blame.”

He was careful to keep his distance and only held her hands gently. “That’s not my concern, we’ve become friends and I don’t want that to change.”

She nodded. “I wouldn’t risk that either.”

“Okay,” he said, and nearly breathed a sigh of relief when she moved into his arms again. This at least they could both be comfortable with, could draw comfort from. 

“So. You’re not gonna stand me up, right?” he asked lightly.

She smiled, shaky but real. “Wouldn’t dream of it, not when we finally chose the color scheme.”

 

“It’d be easier to get married in your uniform.”

Shikamaru winced when Iruka’s hand connected with the back of Naruto’s head. 

“Shikamaru wants to get married properly! And when you get married I hope you’ll have a nice ceremony, too.”

Naruto rubbed his head, glaring at the shadow shinobi as though it were his fault. “I don’t even know if I’m getting married, Iruka-sensei.”

“Of course you will,” Iruka said promptly.

“Weddings are really expensive.”

“That’s why your family helps pay for it, so don’t worry too much about that. We may not be rich but we’ve been saving up.” 

Naruto glanced at Kakashi who nodded. “Yup. Nice little nest egg for the wedding that may or may not happen.”

Shikamaru turned away from Iruka’s fond smile and his friend’s stupidly happy expression. “I think I’m ready.”

Kakashi held out a hand with his zori. “Might need these.”

Shikamaru flushed. “Right.”

He finished dressing and turned to his father who was observing him grimly. Shikamaru straightened waiting for his father to again question his decision. Instead, the older Nara nodded at his son. “You’re ready.”

 

Shikamaru’s own wedding was the very first he’d ever attended. He might have thought it was dull if his skin wasn’t crawling with nervousness. Kurenai met his gaze and he was happy to see she looked resolved and not about to bolt.

The mikos stepped forward. “If the bride’s family would accompany me.”

“The groom’s family with me,” the other said.

Shikamaru was grateful when Kakashi, Gai, Shino, Kiba, Hinata, Anko, Shizune, and Tsunade moved to Kurenai’s side. Yuuta was holding her hand and looking happier than any child probably ever had at a wedding. 

His own family, along with Chouji and Ino stepped to his side and they were led to the interior of the shrine and seated. 

The ceremony was alternately short and eternal. He wanted to take Kurenai’s hand but stayed still. 

Finally the mikos stepped forward each carrying a small box. Shikamaru hoped he’d made the right choice. Kurenai had stopped wearing her wedding ring since their “engagement” so he wanted to give her another to wear.

Kurenai glanced at him when the box was presented to her but she opened it without giving away her surprise and dutifully held out her hand so he could place the ring on her finger. He squeezed her hand before releasing her and she smiled fleetingly before taking the other ring and following suit. 

 

She was sitting on the steps of the hall twisting her ring. He lowered himself next to her and placed his hand over hers, stilling the motion.

“You can still wear his ring,” he murmured, low though he couldn't sense anyone else nearby.

She shook her head. “That would be inappropriate.”

He smiled at her, lacing their fingers together and bringing her hand up to his lips, laying a soft kiss on her fingers. “Nobody will know that it’s his ring and not mine you’re wearing.”

She looked at him curiously but he could get away with kissing her this way, with touching her this way at least for their wedding day. Shikamaru knew he would touch her only rarely after this.

“For the time being, I am your wife and I will wear your ring.”

It was all Shikamaru could do not to sigh.

He could sense Kakashi drawing near and from the way Kurenai glanced at the hall he knew she felt the copy-nin too. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer, touching their foreheads together. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, Kurenai,” he murmured and from the wry twist of her lips he knew she thought it was for the benefit of their audience. He brought a hand up to her neck and pulled her closer until their lips grazed, until she inhaled softly - not quite a gasp - and parted her lips and Shikamaru said only, “Yes,” and kissed her. Warm, moist lips - she must have licked them - met his and he was unable to keep from pushing his tongue forward searchingly between them and she started. He tightened his arms around her, not allowing her to pull away, but she only clutched at his arms. He deepened the kiss, tongue exploring, tasting her, her nose where it touched his cheek was a little cold from the wind and he pressed deeper still and she moaned very softly but he heard her clearly and his blood fired with the desire that crashed through him. 

“Cough. Cough.”

Shikamaru pulled back slowly. Neither he nor Kurenai had jumped but he could tell she was as shocked as he was. It seems they’d both forgotten about Kakashi.

The copy-nin looked amused. “Sorry to interrupt but apparently there’s a cake that needs cutting?”

 

They stood together, Yuuta asleep in Shikamaru’s arms, thanking their guests as they left. Shikamaru refused to regret that the day was coming to an end. It wasn’t a real marriage and the sooner he started living that reality, the better.  
Ino and Chouji were some of the last to leave. They hugged him and Kurenai and Ino whispered lowly - so as not to be overheard - “Let yourself be happy.” 

He kissed her cheek. 

Kakashi was saying his goodbye to Kurenai as well and he leaned close to her and whispered something. She looked melancholy and glanced up to meet Shikamaru’s gaze. He moved to her, pulling her close and kissing her temple. “All right?” he murmured in her ear and she nodded.

Kakashi watched them. “Take care of each other,” was all the other man said and Shikamaru nodded.

> Last two stanzas of I Watched Thee by Lord Byron
> 
> _And when convulsive throes denied my breath_  
>  The faintest utterance to my fading thought  
>  To thee – to thee – even in the grasp of death  
>  My spirit turned, oh! oftener than it ought. 
> 
> _Thus much and more; and yet thou lov'st me not,_  
>  And never wilt! Love dwells not in our will.  
>  Nor can I blame thee, though it be my lot  
>  To strongly, wrongly, vainly, love thee still. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, if you've managed to read this far, I really hope you liked it!


End file.
